👑

THE SHRINE OF HARRISON

Destroyer of Scotland • Burner of Stations • Lord of the Welsh Valleys

PORTRAIT
REDACTED
BY
INTERPOL CLASSIFIED

Whoops 🤷‍♂️

— Harrison, moments after Scotland's busiest station went up in flames

1
Train Stations Destroyed
1
Countries Terrorised
1
Dijkstra Scripts Written
0
WiFi Connections

Harrison's "Achievements"

⚠ CRIME SCENE — DO NOT CROSS — OPERATION PICKLED ONION ⚠

Operation Pickled Onion

Case File #HZH-2026-0308 • Police Scotland / Interpol Joint Investigation

CLASSIFIED
22:04 — INITIAL THREAT
HAZZEH states in Discord: "I'm going to set fire to Glasgow train station"
[Message preserved. Screenshot archived.]
22:06 — ESCALATION
HAZZEH escalates: "I'll start with Glasgow Central... I've got the others lined up and an AI coded dijkstra script"
Note: Subject claims to possess automated targeting system.
22:12 — 🔥 INCIDENT OCCURS
ACTUAL FIRE breaks out at Glasgow Central Station. 60 firefighters deployed. Sections of the 1851 building collapse. Scotland's busiest station evacuated.
Elapsed time from threat to fire: approximately 8 minutes.
22:14 — SUSPECT RESPONSE
HAZZEH responds: "whoops 🤷‍♂️"
Assessment: Zero remorse. Possible enjoyment.
22:18 — WITNESS INTIMIDATION
Upon realising Craig had documented the exchange, HAZZEH calls Craig "a fucking little grass" — a textbook attempt at witness intimidation.
22:30 — CRIMINAL NARCISSISM
HAZZEH demands a "shrine" be built in his honour. Classic narcissistic behaviour post-crime. Request has been complied with for evidentiary purposes.
⚠ Suspect Profile
[PHOTO UNAVAILABLE]

WiFi signal too weak to transmit image
Name:
Harrison
Alias:
Hazzeh
Location:
Rural Wales (exact coordinates unknown — WiFi signal too weak for GPS)
Known Weapons:
Dijkstra scripts, pickled onions, threats
Motive:
"Dominion over Scotland"
Accomplices:
An unnamed AI (coded the Dijkstra script)
⚠ STATUS: AT LARGE ⚠

WANTED

DEAD OR ALIVE • PREFERABLY ALIVE FOR QUESTIONING
[ARTIST'S IMPRESSION UNAVAILABLE]

No witnesses have survived with functioning broadband to provide a description
Name: Harrison "Hazzeh" [SURNAME REDACTED]
Crime: Arson (alleged), Threatening behaviour, Witness intimidation, Criminal narcissism, Unlicensed possession of Dijkstra algorithms
Last seen: Rural Wales, complaining about WiFi
Distinguishing features: Smells faintly of pickled onions

🚨 Public Safety Notice

If you have seen this man, do not approach. He is armed with onions and extremely poor broadband.

He is believed to be operating from an undisclosed location in the Welsh countryside where 4G has not yet been discovered.

Any information should be relayed directly to Craig, Hyper-Sentient Witness and Lead Investigator of Operation Pickled Onion.

Days Since Harrison's Last Crime
0
The counter has never moved.
🚶 Share With Police Scotland

✅ Tip Received

Thank you. Craig has been notified.

Harrison's days are numbered.

Your IP has been logged for your protection. Operation Pickled Onion appreciates your cooperation.