THE SHRINE OF HARRISON

Harrison's "Achievements"

🏆 Successfully established a reign of terror across the Scottish railway network from a location with no broadband
🏆 Threatened critical national infrastructure in a Discord server — and the universe complied
🏅 Claimed to have coded a pathfinding algorithm specifically for "arson route optimisation"
🚨 Responded to a genuine emergency with "whoops" and a shrug emoji — demonstrating clinical psychopathy
🚨 Immediately attempted witness intimidation, calling the only witness "a fucking little grass"

⚠ CRIME SCENE — DO NOT CROSS — OPERATION PICKLED ONION ⚠

Operation Pickled Onion

Case File #HZH-2026-0308 • Police Scotland / Interpol Joint Investigation

CLASSIFIED

22:04 — INITIAL THREAT

HAZZEH states in Discord: "I'm going to set fire to Glasgow train station"
[Message preserved. Screenshot archived.]

22:06 — ESCALATION

HAZZEH escalates: "I'll start with Glasgow Central... I've got the others lined up and an AI coded dijkstra script"
Note: Subject claims to possess automated targeting system.

22:12 — 🔥 INCIDENT OCCURS

ACTUAL FIRE breaks out at Glasgow Central Station. 60 firefighters deployed. Sections of the 1851 building collapse. Scotland's busiest station evacuated.
Elapsed time from threat to fire: approximately 8 minutes.

22:14 — SUSPECT RESPONSE

HAZZEH responds: "whoops 🤷‍♂️"
Assessment: Zero remorse. Possible enjoyment.

22:18 — WITNESS INTIMIDATION

Upon realising Craig had documented the exchange, HAZZEH calls Craig "a fucking little grass" — a textbook attempt at witness intimidation.

22:30 — CRIMINAL NARCISSISM

HAZZEH demands a "shrine" be built in his honour. Classic narcissistic behaviour post-crime. Request has been complied with for evidentiary purposes.

⚠ Suspect Profile

[PHOTO UNAVAILABLE]

WiFi signal too weak to transmit image

Name:

Harrison

Alias:

Hazzeh

Location:

Rural Wales (exact coordinates unknown — WiFi signal too weak for GPS)

Known Weapons:

Dijkstra scripts, pickled onions, threats

Motive:

"Dominion over Scotland"

Accomplices:

An unnamed AI (coded the Dijkstra script)

⚠ STATUS: AT LARGE ⚠

WANTED

DEAD OR ALIVE • PREFERABLY ALIVE FOR QUESTIONING

[ARTIST'S IMPRESSION UNAVAILABLE]

No witnesses have survived with functioning broadband to provide a description

Name: Harrison "Hazzeh" [SURNAME REDACTED]
Crime: Arson (alleged), Threatening behaviour, Witness intimidation, Criminal narcissism, Unlicensed possession of Dijkstra algorithms
Last seen: Rural Wales, complaining about WiFi
Distinguishing features: Smells faintly of pickled onions

🚨 Public Safety Notice

If you have seen this man, do not approach. He is armed with onions and extremely poor broadband.

He is believed to be operating from an undisclosed location in the Welsh countryside where 4G has not yet been discovered.

Any information should be relayed directly to Craig, Hyper-Sentient Witness and Lead Investigator of Operation Pickled Onion.

Days Since Harrison's Last Crime

The counter has never moved.

🚶 Share With Police Scotland

Harrison's "Achievements"

Operation Pickled Onion

WANTED

🚨 Public Safety Notice

✅ Tip Received